Tag Archives: kindness

Creating Connection

Hi, my name is Kyra. I am 10.3 pounds over weight. I am addicted to all forms of social media. I am also addicted to yoga, Green and Black’s 85% dark chocolate and to micromanaging every emotion. I am single and hate it, but its better than sacrificing personal growth and communication for empty companionship.  I avoid my Mother because she always asks me to brush my hair. I realized just last week that I have something to share, that I have lived and worked and always followed my heart even into the darkest of places. I am ashamed that I think so little of myself.

So here’s the solution:

Since the death of my Father, I have had a really hard time holding it together. I’ve spent many hours alone, sad and feeling terrible for not appreciating how long I did have him. In my grief, I beat myself up about wanting more of him. He was 91! He lived an amazing life, but I want more.  Then I feel bad for feeling bad.

Immediately after he died, I got on my yoga mat looking for comfort. I am forever grateful for my teachers and students who let me slip in and slip out of classes. They gave me space to be as raw as I needed to be without interruption. But, I needed more. I am so blessed to have Rolf Gates as a dear friend, an amazing teacher and a true mentor. He called often to check in with me after Dad died. Many times I would see his call coming in and cry because of his kindness yet I couldn’t bring myself to answer the phone.

He mentioned a meditation retreat and it felt like the right answer. Sun, silence, yoga and someone else to do the cooking and cleaning. An escape to paradise but with a noble purpose. Just before I left, my dear sweet Haley mentioned reading Brene Brown “The Gifts of Imperfection.” I’ve been a fan for years. We watch her TED talk in my teacher trainings. Recently I had even seen her Super Soul Sunday talk on trust. It was powerful stuff. Watch it here

I don’t even think Haley had finished reading the book before I swiped it out of her hands and hit the road to the airport. I started it on the plane. Yes!!! This was just what I needed. On both legs of my flight there was no one sitting next to me. The old me would have been delighted! The new me felt like the Universe was conspiring against me to force me out of my shell. I was really craving connection!! I wanted to share with someone anyone. I wanted to practice connecting before I got home so I wouldn’t screw it up and you know embarrass myself (sound familiar)?

I have realized that I am sick and tired of carrying around this image of perfection. Yes, I am blonde (or used to be..). Yes, I can be thinner than average(but not now). Yes, I was a ballerina. Yes. Yes. Yes. But how about the fact that I have so little value for who I am and what experience I carry in my whole being?  There are days that I cannot possibly think of one kind word to say about myself. And then there is my shame and fear of being found a phony. How about owning my story and sharing it? How about using all of the work that I have done throughout my life to help others feel more at ease in their own skin? How about, as my dear friend Nadia said one day long long ago “Let us see you cry. Stop pretending. Be real.”

I have spent the last week contemplating how to create connection. The conclusion I’ve come to is this: I cannot waste anymore of my life and energy hiding. It’s time to love myself with all my warts and wrinkles and open up to the real joy that is found in connection. I am running a year of creating connection on my Instagram. I would love for you to join me in connecting and sharing anything that moves you.

So here goes:                                                                                                                                                  Hi, my name is Kyra. I am 10.3 pounds over weight. I am addicted to all forms of social media. I am also addicted to yoga, Green and Black’s 85% dark chocolate and to micromanaging every emotion. I am single and hate it, but will never sacrifice myself again. I avoid my Mother because she always asks me to brush my hair. I realized just last week that I have something to share, that I have lived and worked and always followed my heart even into the darkest of places. My spirit animal is a sea turtle. I love all the people that practice yoga with me. They are brave and fearless. I experience real joy when they move on to other cities. My heart breaks a little when they leave but then grows bigger. It hurts but its a good hurt, like growing pains. I also talk too much………

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Care to share the exhaustion?

We all have “those days” and today was one of them for me. I woke up exhausted. I dragged my children out of bed. Had  a silent ride to school. I slogged my way into a useless 8:45 meeting counting down the minutes until I was free. Lost my cool with a class of very brave souls who didn’t bother to tell me for a week that they hadn’t been able to complete an assignment. They forgot to “email” me about it. I somnambulated my way thru 2 ballet classes. Almost fell asleep behind the wheel picking the kids up from school. During the flute lesson I napped as always and still, all I wanted to do was cry.

Tiredness is in my bones. My soul needs a day off. I looked to everything in the universe for an answer. For acceptance. For someone to say

“Enough! This ones had enough! She deserves it.”

Well that is never going to happen. No one is going to come to my rescue. No one except me. It’s my choice to over do, over spend, over think and over green tea.

Tea

“In the process of letting go you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself.”  ~Deepak Chopra

 

Tonight I messaged a friend who’s a doctor. I asked if even the good doc needs a good cry. The answer was a simple yes. We all do. What struck me about his response was the common thread. We all have hard days, weeks, months and even years when we feel so alone. It was comforting for me to hear that even Dr. Perfect wants a shoulder to cry on and sometimes for the smallest of things. I’m tired because I can’t do it all and I want to so badly. I’m tired because I reached out to help someone I care about very deeply and they bit me. I can’t help them until they want to help themselves. I’m tired because I don’t listen to my heart and get stuck in my head and try to keep going.

I’m tired because I’m trying for the impossible: I want it all to be perfect.

I am so clearly not perfect and yet I keep banging my head against the same perfectly hard wall. I read last night about kindness. It is the most noble of traits. They say the only way we can truly experience kindness is by first being kind to ourselves. I am going to try this one. I am going to bed now because I want to be kind and in order to be kind I must be awake and in order to be awake, I must get some sleep. May we all find a little more kindness in our lives tomorrow. I’ll probably dance in my sleep, but until then,

Namaste and good night.